It’s like they threw me in a blender at the end of June and I’m being poured out just in time for a new school year. Cancer, man, it’s a trip. I had a skin sparing double mastectomy on July 19, and the following couple weeks are a blur. And then it was all appointments, waiting, stripping that one drain that wouldn’t let up, and wondering if I’d have to do chemo. I found out on Monday that I won’t be doing it this time around, and my relief, overwhelming. I’ll do it again if it is important to extend my life, but I have never felt so detached from my life and whether I lived or died as I did when I was doing chemo. Happy to not go back there.

But there’s still a lot of healing to do, and more surgeries and treatments. I’m still fatigued. If you don’t know the difference between being tired and fatigue, ask one of your friends recovering from surgery, living with fibromyalgia, or doing pregnancy. I don’t know what my body will be up for each day, and when it turns off it really turns off. I can’t really put into words what it feels like, but believe me, it’s a rough go, and all the sleep in the world can’t fix it. For me, it’s my body’s way of telling me to slow down, we’re still healing, take it easy.

I hate taking it easy. I mean, I love a lazy weekend reading in bed and zoning out to reality TV after a long day, but I love being out in the world doing things. I want to ride my bike. I feel most myself when I’m on my bike. It’s how I like to spend time with myself, be in the world with others, and get out of my head and thinking about my favorite things: cities, neighborhoods, and why they look like they do. I went on a lovely bike ride the day before surgery, and then it was no bike for me for over a month. On Tuesday of this week I got all brave and rode my bike the three quarters of a mile to my haircut, and I couldn’t stop smiling. I can do it! I can ride my bike again! All that weight on my arms and chest as I stretched out to my handlebars felt ok! I will get my life back and get to be myself, and I was so excited.

So on Friday, as I headed to my fifth medical appointment in a week–I’m just lucky I don’t get paid by the hour or I would be skipping some of these–I decided to take the bike. Would I be able to get back up the hill after? The only way to find out is to give it a try. My boo was working from home and could come fetch me if it was too hard, so on the six week anniversary of my surgery I was taking my bike back to the hospital and parking right in front, just like I’d done six weeks and one day before.

It was challenging. My cardiovascular stamina is pretty much gone, and I was huffing and puffing in easier gears than before surgery. The great thing about this is I get to get fit again, and I love seeing myself get stronger, slowly but surely, which I will get to do in the coming months. And I made it. Fortunately I understand on a cellular level that none of this is a race, and if I take it slow, pay attention to my body, I’ll get back where I want to be, and where I want to be is on my bike, tooling around Baltimore. It’s already happening! I’m so excited.

I stopped to snap this picture at a red light at Monument and Central Ave. That’s Jai Medical Group at the front right of the picture, and behind that is some of the new housing that’s part of the McElderry apartments. I have seen that block change over the past 15 years, and I wonder when the remodel will hit Old Town. This city and its developers make so many promises. The light turned green and I headed west and north again, grateful that my light, dim as it feels at the moment, is starting to turn back on. I’m so lucky.