I had the time, energy, and weather for a bike ride today, and wow, it had been a long time since I got to do that. I started with a quick ride down the hill to meet friends for brunch, in celebration of B. and D.’s birthdays. I had a cobb salad–classic brunch dish, I know–and a cup of coffee, cheers-ed the friends, felt grateful for this part of my community, and then hopped on my bike to head home.
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I was worried I wouldn’t still like riding my bike around, and then I’d lose access to the part of myself that likes riding my bike around. And then I thought to myself, if you don’t like riding your bike around anymore, that’s ok! Things change! You’ll always have enjoyed that, it will always have made your life so much more interesting, and you can be on to the next thing. It’s like getting a tattoo–what if I regret it? But regret or not, it will always have marked who you were at that moment, and that’s a record worth keeping.
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It’s like they threw me in a blender at the end of June and I’m being poured out just in time for a new school year. Cancer, man, it’s a trip. I had a skin sparing double mastectomy on July 19, and the following couple weeks are a blur. And then it was all appointments, waiting, stripping that one drain that wouldn’t let up, and wondering if I’d have to do chemo. I found out on Monday that I won’t be doing it this time around, and my relief, overwhelming. I’ll do it again if it is important to extend my life, but I have never felt so detached from my life and whether I lived or died as I did when I was doing chemo. Happy to not go back there.
But there’s still a lot of healing to do, and more surgeries and treatments. I’m still fatigued. If you don’t know the difference between being tired and fatigue, ask one of your friends recovering from surgery, living with fibromyalgia, or doing pregnancy. I don’t know what my body will be up for each day, and when it turns off it really turns off. I can’t really put into words what it feels like, but believe me, it’s a rough go, and all the sleep in the world can’t fix it. For me, it’s my body’s way of telling me to slow down, we’re still healing, take it easy.
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I haven’t been blogging much these days, too busy with work and out of the habit. But I was thinking about this blog on my ride yesterday and wanted to check back in and say thank you, bicycle and bicycle blog, for teaching me how to pay attention in new ways.
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I spent last weekend all by myself–the ladyfriend was visiting family in St. Louis. I love her so much, and I was also thrilled to have four full days in the house by myself to do whatever I wanted. Now, I do whatever I want all the time. I don’t have to wait for her to leave to sit on the couch watching terrible reality and eating a whole box of cookies, for example; she’s happy to share space with me as I am being myself, and I feel completely able to be fully myself, too. That’s my favorite part of this relationship. And yet, there’s something different about being truly alone, and I was so excited to have that time and space.
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Sunday’s ride took me down the hill to meet L. and friends for her birthday brunch at our regular place–she’s fun and 41, as she says! I don’t personally celebrate Easter, but it looked like everyone else in the neighborhood did. There were lots of suits and ties, dresses and hats, kids squirming in clothes that looked cute and uncomfortable. I rolled up to the bike rack and had to ask a family of eight to make way so I could use it. We shared some words about the weather (it was amazing) and waited impatiently for the restaurant to open. When it did, they got themselves a big table at the back, and I grabbed the corner bar for us, ordered coffee, and stared at my phone until my friends showed up.
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I was in New Mexico celebrating my boo’s 40th birthday for a week and a half, and it was magical. Northern New Mexico is breathtakingly beautiful, and they put chile sauce on everything, which is such a great idea, and I didn’t want to leave at all. Except I did–I love Baltimore and my life here, and I am happy to be back on my bike.
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Monday was cool and gray, but the wind machines were turned down for the first, and I fear last, time for awhile–perfect day for a bike ride. I spent my morning in virtual meetings, my lunchtime with M., our usual walk to coffee and back, and planned to head out on the bike. M. and I have been doing the same walk to the same cup of coffee and outside chit chat, and walk back for years, and we always check on the cat litter that was dumped on the sidewalk just past the alley at the side of that burger place. Somebody dumped their litter box on the sidewalk, and still, at least two years later, there’s cat litter in the corner where those two pieces of sidewalk don’t quite meet. I’m sure who(m)ever dumped it has long forgotten about it, but M. and I can’t forget about it, especially because every single time I point it out: “Still there!” I like taking the same paths over and over not just to see how things change, but also what stays the same.
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I needed to do a long ride, or a long ride for me. I increased my mileage too much too soon, and I gave myself some shoulder and neck pain that was my body’s way of telling me to slow down and take a break. I did that, it helped, but I missed the long ride. Monday I’d go for 20 miles, I told myself over the weekend, and when Monday came, I was a little scared to do it. I have ridden 20 miles many, many times in my life, and I rode 15 last week, but sometimes I still get a little bit anxious. So I did some work tasks, took an online German class, but then, instead of waiting all day to see if I would be able to ride 20 miles, I just headed out the door at 10am to see how it would go.
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The ladyfriend was working from home on Monday, and as I got ready to head out on a bike ride, she was like, “You know it’s raining, right?” My rule, borrowed from my dad, is to never start a bike ride in the rain, because I’ll finish enough in the rain as it is. It was barely drizzling and my weather app said it wouldn’t be more than drizzle, so I shrugged and headed out.
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What I Saw Riding My Bike Around Today 