Today was my first full day back in New Orleans, and I spent much of it on N.’s bike, riding around to see what folks are up to. The rush of being back to the city and seeing it relatively unscathed is wearing off, and today I found myself feeling profoundly sad. Don’t get me wrong. I had moments of thrill racing through this place today, seeing people celebrating their return with neighbors, watching immense kindness amongst strangers, and the general goodwill I’ve felt since moving here. But this city feels so empty. I rode to Cafe du Monde for beignets only to find myself virtually alone. On a Friday afternoon. No one was hanging out by the river or lining up at the aquarium. The National Guard was everywhere, hands on machine guns while shopping for knick knacks. It was strange to see these military vehicles lined up outside Jackson Square, but nice to see I wasn’t the only one struck by the scene, by the naturalization of militarized space in our civilian squares.

But today I didn’t feel like politics. There are so many pictures to take here because the city came through Gustav brilliantly, but everything feels a bit off. I found myself riding around all day and wanting to ride around all night, to remind myself that everything is still here, that I am home, but I can’t. I realized I was trying to ride away from the sadness at what has happened here, from the persistent sadness of a traumatized city. Tonight I decided to go ahead and get off my bike. I can see more tomorrow, but tonight I need to settle in.